Bloody hell a blog. I can hardly believe it myself. Having punctured my persona into blog exile for over two months now, tonight I have finally decided to spurn myself back into action. Lord knows where the time has gone. Been beavering away at my new job delivering the queen’s mail and encasing myself in a shrouded bubble of forlorn nothingness. In short it’s time to become creative again.
I feel my words are just going to spiral out with little direction. There’s been a few abortive attempts admittedly but hey ho we all need a break from time to time. My job exhausts me but that is no excuse for descending into a creative wasteland. There’s been depression, tears and uncertainty in life. Maybe it’s the hurtling into middle age and watching others grow around me. I simply don’t know. At times it’s hard to pinpoint anything specific. The more I stopped writing, the easier it became not to write anything at all. Suddenly one finds oneself deep in the mire. Writer’s block I believe ‘they’ call it… whoever ‘they’ might be. No-one ever knows the answer to that pondering question least of all me.
Davy Jones of The Monkees sadly died, Cambridge United continue to experience contrasting fortunes on the pitch and the new Ting Tings album is shaping up to be one of the all time greatest flop records ever. Just proves what short memory spans the pop kids have. Four years between albums in this day and age of instant spontaneity is way too long between records. Those pesky pop kids have the memories of goldfish.
As for me I’m ok but feeling a little life weary. When my creativity goes on hiatus I find lots of tension builds up within. Or it could be the realization I’m less than two months shy of 43. Still battling on alone in my shrouded bubble. Never been one for any kind of mid life crisis though I have always been this way. Life continues to frustrate and stagnate in abundance. I was far more depressed in my 20’s and have the self-indulgent wayward poetry to prove it.
I could hide behind the excuse of working for a living but that would be an easy escape. Nah I just got lazy. Today I have made the executive decision (at boardroom level as well) to reverse the process.
I love my new job at Royal Mail and it does give me the opportunity to explore avenues as I finish work at 2-30 PM every day. Unlike my last position where it was not uncommon to work 15-16 hour days. No-one can exist under those kinds of conditions and the gig nearly drove me mad. I went on a fruitless trip to Scotland to attempt to recover some worldly possessions. Unfortunately I was to return to the International Republic Of East Anglia empty handed. Life’s too short to get one’s undergarments in a twist on such matters.
Finally started a complete revamp of HQ. Eight bags of crap were placed in local council care last Tuesday. Much more to come. Amazed at waking up on a Sunday morning with NO hangover (first time since starting work back in October. Less mess and clutter around one’s self certainly does help clear the mind! Much more work to be done if I can muster the effort after a nice soulful session writing for the first time in months.
So in short I still have a life pretty much going nowhere but at least stable – a difficult trick to master in this day age. And from this point on I shall be blogging more regularly. I know I’ve said this before but this time I really mean it.
Marshmallow head infumed disintegrate forming,
swirling round, through, beyond,
aching limb lustre, bone crunch tribulation
An exit.
Shaded discarding normality dwindles,
world becomes shadowed, taunt, frail,
with no hope or future fulfilment
A shadowing.
Heartbeat pacing through raced intensity downfall,
meeting of awkward compromise…
cracking descending,
A completion.
Grating, gnawing subdue inquisition,
riding out wave,
all over soon,
The bug.
Your sparkling persona is forever sketched in thought,
Each and every gnaw-piercing day,
I continue to muddle through
Your complexity, beauty and
All the good things you remain….
Serve as reminders of what you could bring to me.
For once there is no selfishness on this behalf,
You are no meat-piece trophy to
parade upon others in hour of need.
This closeness is something we should behold,
Cherish and nurture before lust rears its ugly head
taking control of the everything.
Not been here for so long, have been taking a creative break but about to come out of the mire!!!
Stop.
The muse is dead.
Stop.
Integral combustion sacrifices inner sanctuary within.
Stop.
With no cause of concern
Legacy falling
Breached spasms,
Lungs of capsules drown,
A sorry dependent brain spirals within waves of distinguished nothingness.
No scripture will be re-written…
Untill spiders of desire stretch eight legs of disgust into abortion.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
This disease stretches.
A voice howls through piercing charade.
Every flicker an imagination
Stop.
My nothingness catapults into overdrive.
Spiders return with sorry excuse of woe
Stop.
Eight legs each one representing everything we despise.
Each fear returning as mind attempts to find sanctuary….
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Inner fathoms progress.
Is a pointless life better than no life at all?
Is finding answers to unanswerable question any way to exist? Is there a better way? Stop….stop……stop…..
Stop…..stop…..stop….
Stop….stop…..stop…..
Feeling of hatred still gnawing.
Time to capture inspiration from others.
Point to modify existence
See where all can eventually lead.
Stop random.
Stop random.
Stop random.
Architecture disguised aberration
Fulfilling desires retired; long time ago
Randomness roaming globe fruitless decadence
Subjects described as lost cause
Two family lines possibly terminated within next fifty years.
One has severely slim outside limited chance of survival,
other definitely dead.
No seed planted….
Other is dead, other is dead, other is dead.
Such ramblings are refreshing for mindset disgusted at recent events.
A cranium losing desires,
Curling into corners,
Becoming bitterer, twisted about awful woe bestowed upon within.
A cranium trialled before god,
fuelled by unrivalled hatred.
A cranium that is dedicated to bringing desire into mainstream avenues;
with need for love, honesty, trust.
A cranium that is confused at the everything;
not seeking help but connected to bones unable to move.
Cutting up progression forward.
Backward irrelevance no sentence of meaning.
Make up your own mind what collection of words means. Possessing a judgement is not a crime.
having no opinion is just plain wrong.
Rejoice in the baby but realise that it will lead to miserable existence…
always making decisions wrong.
It could eliminate capability to progress like others.
It will sprawl like seed and die like seed.
Numbers, random, stop, click, stop, click.
Passages continue to groan on.
Stop random stop. Random stop random.
Broken dreams terminate,
write, connect, rejoice, disintegrate.
Tarantula creeping ready to pounce.
Always on shoulder, never above.
Evil glare syndrome.
Feel it pulsating, really pulsating,
incredibly pulsating.
Rooms in circle, a distinguished cycle.
Nothing can stay the same forever. Stop random fact.
Walls of blood dripping like syrup.
Incredible holocaust; everything placing together,
descending for eternities through spasms of disgust.
Where will this all conclude?
Grammar is dead, computers will win wars.
Psychological thoroughfare piercing lives.
Predictive behaviour becoming more common.
Stop random stop random fact stop stop stop random stop random fact. Stop……..
Fathom excuse for failure, this is not un-normal.
Left existence random will eventually stop.
Into afterlife with nothing.
Tiredness, boredom will play a role.
Too scared for suicide, too frightened for progression.
Where does that leave us?
In unknown fathomed place that is certainly destined to fail. Stop, stop, stop.
Flickering reliving tension.
Tension reliving flickering.
Stop. Stop random stop. Stop random stop.
Fate and criticism play vital part in the process.
Alcohol leading down unbelievable roads.
Drugs not answer though possible improvement with modification.
Watching pilgrims trying to gain highs painful,
Crowds and personnel come and go,
funny how so many try and cling to long, distant, forgotten pasts.
In some ways pathetic, in others desperate occasionally admirable.
All leading to conclusions that everything is nothing.
What purpose does it serve?
Are we here for reasons?
Why should we care about futures?
Have been informed siblings making difference, possibly truth but ultimately we live a very short time and die for eternity. There is much time to collect thought in grave.
Is eternal sleep so bad?
Night-less charades going on and on and on….
Flightless birds pecking on prey.
The burning star did so bloody well,
more usual more by luck than judgement.
Stop random stop stop random stop random
Stop random stop
Stop…
A jingle the late Sir Jimmy Saville did for me during my time at Nevis Radio.
September was a bad month. If I was keeping records probably the worst. Hey ho everything happens for a reason. Well to a certain extent. I am not going to disclose what happened or exactly where I’ve been. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. I descended further down the spiral than ever before. People suffered along the way as I journeyed on my most critical life lesson ever. Yet out of the mire I am happier than ever. The chains and shackles wrapped around my persona have finally freed themselves. Boy that doesn’t half feel good.
It boils down to one simple word – fear. Not so long back I read a book called ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’. A book I certainly need to reread. It is my new motto. We all live our lives in fear. Often we don’t disclose those fears to ourselves. We let them fester in our inner souls. Things can come to a head if you let them spiral out of control. That is what happened to me; something had to give. When it does you either sink or swim. You have to find inner strength within to free yourself from those chains.
There’s no point in worrying in what has been or what might happen. I have spent too long being fearful of too many things. Since finding this new found freedom I have learned to embrace fear – be myself more and live for the day. Life is a rollercoaster. It was never meant to be easy. If you sit and spend your life stewing and dwelling nothing will come your way. I’ve been guilty as charged on all counts. I feel I have been released for good behaviour. Although my behaviour this past month has been shocking. Learning is the trick. We never stop learning in life.
There is a fine line however. You have to learn not to force things but let life matters develop naturally. On the other hand there are times when you simply have to take action. Move out your comfort zone; making moves you would never previously have considered. Once I started feeling the fear – usually a sinking feeling at the bottom of your stomach – and doing things anyway, I have noticed life improved almost instantly. I still have my moments but this new-found attitude is so refreshing I feel I want to burst. Good things are going to come my way.
I had to hit rock bottom. I felt like Chilean miners trapped at bottom of mine with little hope of escape. Yet they found an exit – with helping hands – and I too have found mine. We all need a helping hand at times. Never again am I going to wallow in self-pity and think of scenarios which simply aren’t there. Life was never meant to be easy but you sure as heck can make things easier for yourself if you apply a little application, have the right attitude and live for the moment.
I’ve been kept awake these past few nights with positive thinking. This is different in world of me. Sure I been looking into the past and analysing where things went wrong. I have missed so many opportunities in life because of my attitude. I’m not dwelling on missing those opportunities but am so glad I have seen where I went wrong and why things never happened. You need to work at a pace and not wish for things to happen too quickly. And never forget to respect others.
My life isn’t perfect then again it could be so much worse. In any case Talk Talk was right when they proclaimed ‘Life’s What You Make It’ in 1986. Once you go down the road of wishing for what is not there and hoping things will fall into place with little or no effort your life will never be fulfilled. What was stopping me? That fear word again. I am now learning to embrace fear. We all have to life with fear so why make it more difficult for yourself by becoming so scared of everything around you it becomes almost impossible to function.
Fear is part of our lives. Like love it comes in many different shapes and forms. I have held myself back from so many opportunities because of fear. Often I never saw what was in front of me because fear would be eating me away. For sure everything does happen for a reason but you have to force a hand every now and then. Gentle natural forcing is what’s needed to be done. It’s a case of spotting an opportunity and grabbing it with both hands. However you have to not force things unnaturally. This is a difficult trick to master. We all get things woefully wrong from time to time. The old cliché live and learn springs to mind.
I concluded the best policy is to act naturally and go with the flow – spot opportunity and if you feel something go with the instinct. Keep feeling the fear, make mistakes, brush the dust off when things don’t go right and learn from each and every experience. Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow hasn’t happened. Remember that everyone goes through similar emotions. Stop living life like a stuck, broken record and embrace it for what it is. In the present. Look back and see where the mistakes were made. Do your damn best and don’t worry.
Another thing I have done is learnt to love myself. Not in an egotistical way but see the actually quite superb person I am. I have my faults like us all however! There has never been arrogance within me but I sure spent a lot of time doubting myself and my ability. That is no more. I am free to fly like a bird trapped in cage just been released. If I make a mistake, I make a mistake. I am through with stewing and dwelling. What has been has been!
Our moments of intense debauchery
Have cooled into ice
For now we have to remain distant
In order to salvage anything from this mess
Like shipwreck sinking
Almost down and out
Water drowning lungs
Only lifeboat can save us now
The shore beckons
A disgustingly long way to paddle
With hope, vigour and reminders
We will get there in the end
the complications of emotions
always come
to haunt
complicated minds
when you least expect it
and you find yourself
descending into holes
infested with rats
spiders snakes
creeping
seeping
crawling
biting into flesh
poisoning the poisoned
each defying shriek
cracking ears
numbing cranium
and this is the exact precise point
you know it is finally over
Your sparkling persona is forever in my thought,
Each and every gnaw-piercing day,
I continue to muddle through
Your complexity and beauty and
All the good things you are….
A reminder of what you could bring to me.
For once there is no selfishness on this behalf,
You are no meat-piece trophy to
parade upon others in hour of need.
This closeness is something we should behold,
Cherish and nurture before lust rears its ugly head
and takes control of the everything
One day I am going to grab you
by the feet and make you my fallen
angel. I am an earthly thing, bound
by the nature of life and death. You
don’t see me being, existing in the
wind, I need you to feel my breeze one
last time before eternity. Where
did this feeling come from? How come
we are separate elements? Lets be
together, one thing joining into another,
I don’t ask for your wings or that halo,
maybe just a walk and kiss.
I hate the fact that I miss you
in the quiet moments
of the inbetween
where there is nothing
to keep my thoughtsgrounded
I hate the fact that I miss you
when the wind blows through my hair
and I remember a time
when your fingers were there
when my life was anything butgrounded
I…
sometimes we refuse to see
exactly what is laid down in front
before our very eyes
as we riddle and weave
our way through the complexity of life
thinking in different tangents
and angles, when it all comes to a
head, there are differing ways
of curtailing that emotion
how we ever got as far as
where we did without this anxiety
breaking through is subject,
to scrutinizing delicacy
one mind wanting too much
the other with a head firmly
lodged, with clouds which may
lead to finding self inner peace
or could destroy the very essence of
that soul, now is the time
to sit back and watch those demons
spread their ugly wings,
as they destroy everything which
was patiently built and is now
destined to be destroyed,
forever.
